As a dominant (Dom) in a BDSM relationship, your role is rooted in trust, consent, and mutual respect. There are certain behaviors and actions you should absolutely avoid to ensure the dynamic remains safe, healthy, and enjoyable for all involved. Here’s a rundown of what not to do:

  • Ignore Consent: Never proceed with any activity without explicit, enthusiastic consent from your submissive (sub). Consent must be ongoing—don’t assume it’s a one-time green light. Ignoring boundaries or failing to check in can destroy trust and cause harm.
  • Neglect Safe Words: Don’t dismiss or forget to establish and honor a safe word (or signal, if verbal communication isn’t possible). Ignoring a safe word when it’s used is a serious breach of trust and safety.
  • Skip Communication: Avoid assuming you know what your sub wants without discussing it. Don’t skip negotiation beforehand—talk about limits, desires, and expectations. Silence or vagueness can lead to misunderstandings or unintended harm.

  • Disregard Aftercare: Don’t neglect aftercare after a scene. Leaving your sub without emotional or physical support can lead to sub-drop (a crash after the adrenaline and endorphin high). Aftercare is your responsibility to help them feel safe and valued.
  • Push Hard Limits: Never pressure or force your sub to go beyond their hard limits (non-negotiable boundaries). Respecting limits is non-negotiable—pushing them risks trauma and erodes trust.
  • Act Without Knowledge: Don’t engage in activities (like bondage, impact play, or edge play) without understanding the risks and proper techniques. Ignorance can lead to physical or emotional injury—educate yourself first.
  • Lose Control: Avoid letting anger, intoxication, or ego drive your actions. A Dom must remain composed and in control of themselves to ensure the sub’s safety and well-being.
  • Shame or Belittle: Don’t use your authority to degrade your sub in ways that weren’t agreed upon. Humiliation might be part of play for some, but it should never cross into genuine emotional harm or disrespect outside the dynamic.
  • Neglect Your Own Limits: Don’t ignore your own boundaries or comfort level. A Dom isn’t infallible—overextending yourself can compromise the scene or relationship.
  • Forget It’s a Partnership: Don’t treat the dynamic as one-sided. It’s not about unchecked power; it’s a consensual exchange. Ignoring your sub’s needs, input, or agency undermines the entire relationship.

The core of being a good Dom is prioritizing your sub’s safety, trust, and enjoyment while maintaining clear communication. Mistakes can happen, but avoiding these pitfalls keeps the dynamic ethical and fulfilling. If you’re new to this, consider researching more (books like The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy are great starts) or even asking your sub what they need from you—every dynamic is unique. 

Keep in mind that within a D/s dynamic it is the submissive that is ultimately in control and reflect on your placement within the dynamic accordingly.

Submissives willingly hand over their submission because their dominant has earned it from them. It is not a given right simply because you are the Dominant. That submission can be rescinded at any time, this includes via use of safe words during scene.

Dominants are facilitators for that power exchange. We are entrusted with power over another person who is willingly allowing themselves to be used, tied, hit, etc because they trust their Dom to respect their limits and safe words / gestures.

Do not misuse a submissives trust and proffering of power over them. To do so is to be an abuser cosplaying as a Dominant.